The interesting thing is that by the time I was at about the fourth photo, I was thinking of scrapping the picture and moving on to something else. I just didn’t think I’d be able to get it to work.

By the next photo, it was under control. So the message to all of you quietly and privately dabbling in the arts – and I know there are a lot of you! – is persevere.

Preliminary sketch and one eye!

The paper I am using is PastelMat paper which I order online from Dakota Pastels in America. The postage costs more than the paper – but I love the smoothness of it. I have also recently tried the Art Spectrum Colourfix Suede paper which may be equally good and available in Australia. At over $7.00 a sheet, you wouldn’t want to use it for practice paper!

Two eyes!

Mouth, nose & some skin

All features in now

This is where I was about to give up… then I had another crack at the eyes and smile… et voila, redemption.

Refining the features & expression

I added a bit more depth to the background here by mixing some of the magenta in with the turquoise.  This gorgeous turquoise, which I think I am going to marry, is a silky smooth and soft pastel stick from Sennelier. I used my birthday Art Scene gift card to buy a small and costly set of Senneliers. I have a full set of Art Spectrums and a set of extra dark pastels by Terry Ludwig which I also buy online from my trusty US pastel shop, Dakota Pastels. Dakota looks like a lolly shop for pastel artists. It’s probably a good thing it’s on the other side of the globe.

So here is where I called it done. It looks a little livelier in reality but I like the way the turquoise and magenta interact.

Lists are always so tedious to read…. and a catalogue of the sounds I am hearing with my implant (CI) would bore even me!

(Peeling mushrooms)

I am embarrassed to admit that I have been a little slack with my training over the holidays but I’ve been inspired by a few things this week.

(Caitlin asking “How old is Adnan?” and something about a video being deleted)

I scored 50% in a word perception test at SCIC on Wednesday wearing just my hearing aid… and 64% wearing both my hearing aid and my CI. And my response time was faster wearing both. The CI is actually helping!

(The microwave beeping)

Carol was also very happy with my progress with word comprehension and picking out different vowel sounds with just the CI – I could tell the difference between bet, but, bit, bat, beat, bird and a few other similar words… “You couldn’t do that a few weeks ago!”

(Water dripping in the sink)

Carol forwarded these results to Professor Da Cruz in time for my appointment on Friday.

(A car driving past outside)

Prof was very excited about my progress and suggested I spend more time wearing just the CI to encourage further and faster progress. He also suggested I read Kate Locke’s blog.

(The screen door opening)

I read Kate’s blog and found it very moving. She talked about the difficulties and isolation she faced before having the implant and how it led her to contemplate suicide. She had far greater and faster success than I with her implant, but she had only been deaf for five years – during which time, she (like me) chose not to talk on the phone. Amazingly, she was able to use the phone after only a week or so of her switch on.

(Caitlin sighing)

Maybe with training, I will be able to use the phone again too! Or maybe not…. But it would be very exciting – and helpful!

(Fabric swishing against fabric)

It is very obvious to me now when sound is coming from my left side. That means I know when someone on my left is speaking to me! Which means I will unintentionally snub fewer people! Now I need to look for a new excuse…

(Caitlin climbing on the couch to look out the window)

Strangely, I can’t tell when sound is coming from my right side. I have realised that my directional hearing is so far limited to my perception of sound in my CI: if I can hear a sound only through my CI, it must be coming from my left; if I can’t hear it through my CI, it must be coming from the right. If I can hear it in both, it must be somewhere in between.

(A tea towel falling to the floor)

Once when I was driving, I became confused as I thought I could hear people talking right next to me, as though they were in my car. I checked the radio – it was off. Looking around, I realised that I was hearing some pedestrians chatting on the footpath behind me and to my left. That brought a big grin to my face!

A few days later, while waiting at traffic lights, I noticed I could hear people having a conversation in the car next to me! I am envisaging a new career in espionage…

(Water boiling)

I am still jumping with fright whenever anyone walks into my office or slams the back door. I can’t get used to the extra volume!

There’s nothing else to report except to say that I am making continual improvements and progress with Angel Sound.

Give me another three months and I’ll be applying for a job with ASIO.

(Liam laughing at the TV)

This year I was partnered with Edgar who studies at Meadowbank TAFE less than 5 minutes from my house! Not terribly international but that’s the way the chalk pastel crumbles.

Hmmm… anyway, here are the progress shots of my pastel drawing of Edgar.

Preliminary sketch

Blocking in some colour

More colour

More colour & character

Edgar finished

I also did a charcoal drawing of him for good measure:

Edgar in charcoal

It did happen –  a week later at my first re-mapping session!

So I missed out on that powerful “WOW! I can hear!” switch on moment with my family. But I have been privately (and sometimes not-so-privately) marvelling at the ever-increasing number of sounds I can hear with the implant.

There have been a few surprises, the biggest being that buttering bread makes a sound – a very, very subtle sound, but it qualifies.

After my second re-mapping session, I started to hear even more sounds with just my implant: my hand dipping into the washing-up water; the swish of a broom; cars passing on the street; water boiling in a pot.  I could even hear my daughter playing violin two rooms away!

I have progressed with my rehabilitation programme from understanding individual animal names (what is a chinchilla??) to full, allegedly commonly used, sentences (“A sullen smile makes few friends”).

Still, I get frustrated when I make mistakes, as I did during my last visit with Carol. To reassure me, she admitted that I had exceeded her expectations: she thought that at this stage, we would be in the children’s room trying to identify sounds using toys.  She did not expect that I would be up to words and sentences. Yay, me!

It’s not all roses: because I am hearing a lot more through the implant, and the quality of the hearing is a little muffled and electronic, my comprehension when wearing both my hearing aid and implant is actually reduced. In some ways, it feels like a step backwards. I need to persevere and be patient: it can take many months for the brain to normalise the sound from the implant.

Having said that, some of the simple sounds I started to hear after switch on already seem normal.

What I need is motivation! I have been reading about neuroplasticity and have picked out these two points that I think are relevant to my situation:

• Achieving plastic change in the brain requires focussed attention. So just walking around wearing the implant isn’t going to cut it.
• It seems that after a stroke, the brain can be forced into using an injured limb by constraining the good one. By taking the good limb out of the picture, the brain is compelled to re-learn how to use the damaged limb.

So… I’m spending as much time as I can at home wearing just the implant, forcing the brain to rely on the bad ear… and I’m still plugging myself into the computer, focussing on my rehabilitation. You should see my poor kids trying to talk to me when I am just wearing the implant! “Uh… about 11, sir.”*

A lot of people ask me how the implant is going, with such a hopeful look – they want me to say that it is fantastic and life-changing. I want to say that too, and maybe I will be able to in a few months. Right now, I feel as though I am studying for the mother of all exams.

So I am standing in the kitchen, listening to the kids’ breakfast cooking, marvelling at how far I have come in two weeks…. And realise that one sound I can’t yet hear is the egg timer. Oops…

* Just in case you don’t get that reference

Background

I have been deaf in my left ear for as long as I can remember. For the most part, this has been no more than an inconvenience: I might miss some witty repartee from a dinner guest sitting to my left and as a child, I was completely rubbish at the pool game Marco Polo.

As I began to lose hearing in my right ear, having one useless ear started to become a problem. I made enquiries about getting a cochlear implant in my deaf ear about four years ago. The advice I received at the time was that, due to the length of time that I had been deaf, the most I would be able to hear with an implant would be environmental sounds. In short, it wouldn’t be worth it.

Instead, I bought a better hearing aid for my “good” ear and soldiered on. By the start of this year, my hearing had deteriorated to a significant degree, and the advice I was receiving had changed.

It seems that some people with long term deafness have now received good outcomes after a year of practice and auditory training.

The earlier concern expressed by professionals that the artificial, electronic hearing provided by the implant would clash with the natural hearing in the other, better ear has also fallen by the wayside: it seems that over time, the brain assimilates the artificial hearing with the natural and perceives all the sounds as “normal”.

Now, I was being told that I had nothing to lose and potentially a lot to gain.

So on 3 October 2012, I had Cochlear Implant surgery in my left ear.

This is what is in my head

Photo source

Switch on and Day 1: 24 October 2012

I was extremely anxious this morning before my switch on. I had been dreaming all night that I couldn’t hear through the implant. My dad, brother, David and husband, Paul, came with me … and tried to calm me down!

When Carol, my audiologist, first started playing the sounds to me, I couldn’t hear them. Or rather, I didn’t recognise that sounds were being played. Eventually I noticed a sensation which coincided with Carol playing the sounds – this was my hearing!

I became very concerned, as I had heard of a few people with long term deafness who had not been able to progress beyond this point. I had really hoped to be able to confidently say I could hear something, even if I couldn’t hear it clearly.

Carol played the “scale” of the electrodes – but each electrode sounded the same to me.

She then tried some sound and word recognition. When I managed to distinguish “or” from “shh”, the relief in the room was palpable. Beyond that, I had quite a lot of difficulty.

Despite all this, when Carol asked me to put my hearing aid back on, I immediately noticed that my overall hearing was louder and clearer.

Still, I left the switch on disappointed and slightly dejected. I had foolishly hoped for more.

Dad, David, Paul and I went for lunch at a café on a busy street, an environment where I would normally struggle to hear. It didn’t seem to be as difficult as usual…

Later, I sat at home in the quiet, typing on the computer and noticed that I was feeling a sensation on my left side which coincided with each tick of the clock. I took out my hearing aid and stood very close to the clock, listening only with the implant. I concentrated very hard and felt that I could actually discern the sound of the ticking. Not just feel it. I became a little excited.

I tried playing some notes on the piano, but couldn’t hear them. Paul then suggested I try a louder setting on the implant – and suddenly I was hearing, or at least sensing, the sound of the notes on the piano – and the low notes sounded different to the high notes!

When the children came home from school, I asked them to help me with my word practice. I would get them to say a choice of two agreed words and I had to guess which word they had said. To make it more difficult, we progressed to three and then four words. I found that I was already improving and felt sure I was hearing some of the sounds, particularly the hard letters like “k” and “t”. Also  a few vowel sounds. I couldn’t hear SHH or S or F… but could hear OR.

“Shark” sounded like “ar’K” (I heard a distinct glottal stop before the K… the K sounded almost like a click)

“Crocodile” sounded like “Cocodi”

“Elephant” sounded like “e-e-anT”

“Dog” sounded like … a hard sound then an O sound.

As the evening progressed, I started to notice a low beep when I changed the volume or other setting with my remote – almost like a “clack” sound.

If this is actual hearing, there is hope that it will improve.

Nucleus 5 Cochlear Implant Processor: this is the external component

Photo source

Days 2 – 4

I have gradually noticed that I can now hear simple sounds like tapping,  the clack of computer keys, knocking and footsteps – if the feet are wearing noisy shoes!

I can hear speech but not understand it. It sounds very mechanical but  I can see how it could turn into speech. It feels like it just needs to be unravelled. Like learning the phonetics of a foreign language with the benefit of already having the vocab and grammar.

I had a very exciting moment doing word practice on day 2. I had the idea of recording the word list Carol gave me onto my iPhone. I plugged myself into it and when I played the words, I found that “elephant” and “crocodile” sounded correct, just muffled. The other words we had practiced were beginning to be recognisable too.

ON DAY TWO! After not hearing at all at switch on!

The next day, a friend of mine who works at Cochlear sent me a link to an auditory rehabilitation website called “Angel Sound”. I have been working on that for about an hour a day since. I have noticed that, while the main sound I am hearing is a weird, mechanical sound, I am now perceiving a hint of more natural sounding speech underneath. Let’s see if I can get my brain to focus on that rather than the mechanical stuff.

On day 4, I went out to the city wearing both my implant and hearing aid. I noticed two things on the train:

• I could understand a girl talking who was on my left side in the seat ahead of me
• I could very clearly hear a girl tapping her  sunglasses –  4 rows in front of me!

Ok – maybe you need to be deaf to understand how exciting these things are!

I can’t wait for my appointment at the implant centre on Wednesday when I will be re-mapped. Now that I am starting to make sense of what I am hearing, we can adjust the implant and I will hopefully start hearing more sounds.

Then I will start practising like a crazy person!

Here is the charcoal sketch:

I covered the sketch with an ultramarine blue ink wash then lathered it with oil pastels. The pastel layer is so think it looks impasto in places.

I spent two hours essentially colouring in. As a child, I never, ever won a colouring competition. I reckon I’d kick it in, now. Wonder if I can get away with entering under my daughter’s name…

I’m still very messy, technique-wise, and struggle a little with the small scale but I can’t deny that it is addictive.

Here are a few screen shots along the way – complete with notifications from the many games my children have installed on my iPad.

I start with my usual pencil sketch, then block in flesh tones with oils. I still have colours used previously on my palette which saves me a lot of mixing time.

Fleshing out on the iPad

Establishing some darks…

Starting on the darks and the eyes

Background and shirt colour…

Working on background

More of the face and shirt

More filling in

Working on the lower face and the ear

Almost there… but the blue on the face is too prominent

Almost finished

So I go over it with a little flesh tone in another layer.

Finished

I’m happy with some aspects of this – I like the way the colours interact – but the different textures irk a little. I’ll have to think about more consistency with the loading of the brush next time. How long until I get it right??

The City of Ryde annual art show is coming up in October and I thought I’d throw my hat into the ring. When contemplating a subject for my entry, I decided that a double portrait would be ideal. The interaction between the two subjects elevates the piece from portraiture to narrative, telling a little story… and who doesn’t love a story?

I created this double portrait of my good friend K and her baby especially to enter into the show. When they were last visiting, I took continuous shots of K as she was trying to get her baby to smile. You can see that baby is smiling here almost as a reflex or against his will – his defences can’t hold faced with such affection from his mum!

Here are a few other double portraits I have done which all have a little extra to say.

This is a picture of my daughter, Caitlin, reading to my friend’s little girl just before bedtime on her first sleepover at our place. The little girl couldn’t read yet, and was captivated – and big-girl-Caitlin was enjoying the new role of bedtime reader.

 This picture was a commission from a photo provided by the client. He loved the way his baby is clinging to his wife and the gentle, protective way she is holding him. You also get a sense here of the relationship between the subjects and the person taking the photograph.

This is another commission of a recently engaged couple, obviously happy and ready to start a life together.

The reference for this piece is a photo by Graeme Taylor of his grandma giving his dad a hug. That smile says it all … and is infectious! I can’t help smiling myself whenever I look at this picture.

If a portrait is an attempt to capture the character and essence of the subject, a double portrait needs to do that and reflect the relationship and interaction between the subjects. While creating a double portrait requires more skill (and patience!), I think the outcome is, dare I say it, doubly satisfying.

“Man with a Blue Scarf” Lucian Freud 2004

Source: Royal Academy of Arts

For anyone interested in Freud‘s methods or what he would have been like to sit for, “Man with a Blue Scarf: On Sitting for a Portrait by Lucian Freud” by Martin Gayford is a fascinating read. It is a diary of the creation of a portrait from the point of view of the sitter, a diary of mutual observation.

This medium-sized portrait took Freud seven months to paint.  And this was considered speedy for him.

I like Freud’s cheekiness and contrariness – tell him to do something and he will do the opposite. While sitting for his portrait, Andrew Parker Bowles complained that his stomach was protruding from his jacket in an unflattering way. Freud admits, “He complained a bit about it, so I thought I’d better emphasise it more”. (1)

“The Brigadier” by Lucian Freud

Source: National Portrait Gallery London

The diary is littered with Freud’s observations of the essence of his portraiture. I particularly like:

“I would wish my portraits to be of the people, not like them. Not having a look of the sitter, being them. I didn’t want to get just a likeness like a mimic, but to portray them, like an actor… as far as I am concerned, the paint is the person. I want it to work for me just as flesh does.” (2)

Interestingly, Freud mostly avoided painting actors and politicians – he found it difficult to capture the essence of a person whose career was spent masking or suppressing their own identity. (3)

Portraiture as a relationship

The strongest feeling after emerging from the book is the intensity of the relationship between painter and sitter. There is frustration and curiosity on both sides as well as a mutual desire to complete the work. Gayford was quite engaged in the process and I think that comes through in the painting – his is an intense, questioning gaze. Other, less actively interested subjects of Freud’s paintings can look a little disengaged, even lost. Maybe they just wish the process would end!

Girl with Fuzzy Hair, Lucian Freud 2004

Source: wikipaintings

The intensity of the sittings can mean that the emotional state of the sitter, or some would say, the soul, is revealed. Freud’s portrait of John Minton is a perfect example. About 5 years after this portrait was completed, “Minton … committed suicide. Photographs of him, however, reveal far less – almost none – of the inner tension and anxiety so apparent in LF’s painting”.  (4)

John Minton by Lucian Freud 1952

Source: Artistic Determinisim

Creative Freeze

A comment made in this book and also in another book on Freud resonated with me, particularly as a similar sentiment was expressed in a documentary I recently watched on Margaret Olley.

It is what I am thinking of as creative freeze - the idea of being so over-awed by great art that you think to yourself, “How can I possibly be as good as that? Why would the world need anything I create?”

In the book “Freud at Work”, Freud uses this idea to explain why Bruce Bernard abandoned painting:

“I think if you are going to paint, you’ve got to use any art you see as  being there entirely for you, to help you. If you “admire” it in that sense, I think maybe you’re gone” (5)

Portraiture is challenging – even for the masters!

This diary also emphasises for me that painting, even for a master, can be a lengthy and frustrating process. Not every painting works and indeed the ones that the artist thinks work may not be appreciated by the sitter.

I was surprised to read that Freud did not like to look at his work after it was finished, often turning completed paintings face to the wall. (6)

So, here are a few pieces inspired by Freud.

Working from life: An oil sketch I did of myself by looking in the mirror – it is around my 40th birthday, so I’m not looking terribly impressed:

Self at 40

Looking at intensity and structure: Unfinished oil sketch …

Stuart for JKPP underpainting

Chasing the structure: Charcoal study

Charcoal study: Stuart for JKPP

The question remains, whether I have the stamina to work on a months-long portrait from life… I’m looking for a victim, so stay tuned!

(1)Martin Gayford Man with a Blue Scarf: On Sitting for a Portrait by Lucian Freud, (Thames & Hudson Ltd 2010), p 107.

(2) Gayford, p. 112

(3) Gayford, p. 209.

(4) Gayford, p. 116

(5) Lucian Freud in Conversation with Sebastian Smee Freud at Work, (Jonathon Cape, London 2006), p. 30

(6) Gayford, p. 81

Ashley finished

After finishing Ashley, I watched this demo which inspired me to buy

Black panpastel & Generals charcoal pencils

and I created

and

I also bought

PastelMat pastel paper

and created

and

and

Ballet feet for Enfield Public School Trivia Night

On a different topic:

Letting mummy play with her new camera

And again…

….and again